I have written before about my birthday ritual, which takes the place of gift-giving. The ritual is this—I go to a thrift store with my family and have them compete with each other to find the ugliest and most useless item. I choose and then buy the most hideous of the tsotchkes & proclaim the person who found it to be the winner. I turned 66 in April. My husband won the competition with this frightening clown. It looks like it was a part of something larger—perhaps a lamp that would scare children into doing whatever their parents told them to do? Some sort of nightmare-inducing game? Whatever it was, it now lives in my studio and makes me laugh whenever I look at it.
After the loud, scary storm finally ended, the birds came back to my yard. As they hunted around for worms, they seemed to be commenting to each other about the violence of the storm. To me it sounded a lot like they were screeching “WHAT THE HELL????”
It actually happened that Tinky-Winky, a character from the popular kid’s program Teletubbies, was accused by Jerry Falwell of trying to recruit young children to his gay lifestyle. This is my reenactment of Tinky-Winky working his charm on a group of kids.
When my family asked what I wanted for my birthday, I said, Let’s all go to a thrift store and have a competition. Whoever finds an object that is the most useless and revolting wins.
The competition was tough because this particular thrift seems to specialize in useless, revolting things, but when I had to choose, I chose this.
The message on the base reads, “Love is...crying buckets when he goes away.” Yes, well, it’s certainly a good idea to cry a lot when your beloved has someplace else to be. And to be naked while you’re doing it.
But there’s also a special feature that you can’t see in this photo. Wind it up and it plays the tune from an equally revolting movie, “Love Story”. A catchphrase of the movie was “love means never having to say you’re sorry”, which, after being married for 32 years, I can tell you is just hilarious.
I understand that skydiving is something that’s fun and exciting for many, and I mean no disrespect when I say, please go have fun, but I will never give a shit about it. Physical challenges of this sort scare me and I’m already scared enough of getting shot by somebody on my way to buy toothpaste or having a fascist dictator take over my country.